RONALDO TO STAR IN REMAKE OF 'ROOTS'

Okay, I'll hold my hands up. This is a complete rip off of something my mate sent me this morning but in truth, I couldn't have said it better myself.

FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: "I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves. "If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion."In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner."The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe."Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world."But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32."He added: "I know the people will love my acting. Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me 'Kunta'."

Don't shoot the messenger

Not politically correct, but I’m going to say it anyway; Chloe Marshall shouldn’t win the Miss UK beauty pageant. Why? Because she’s fat. And before you get all riled up, just hear me out. See, beauty pageants aren’t about making people who are over weight feel better about themselves. If someone has a body image problem they can go on a diet or, if they can’t be arsed to do that, pig out and watch the Oprah/Trisha/Ricki Lake show. No, as far as I recall, beauty pageants promote healthy, natural shapes and minds; unfairly beautiful people it’s true, but ultimately people we can be happy to aspire to. We’re not talking about modelling here either. I can see a role for obese men and women in fashion because that gets the product (or piggy) to the market. Indeed, I find this more acceptable than the size zero approach that designers cling to in order to get their freaky sketches off the drawing board and it blatantly isn’t right that freaky women should be nurtured to achieve this. But like I said, beauty contests aren’t about fashion, they’re about people and people should try and be the best they can be. We shouldn’t dilute that principal to cater for gluttons who insist that big is beautiful and that everyone else should accept that. On the whole, we don’t accept it and watching a pretty girl stuff her face with chips and burgers in preparation for a Miss UK competition feels wrong.

Back to laughing at polar bears...

Sorry Al, but this global warming scare is beginning to look a bit suspicious. It’s not that I don’t understand the principal. In fact, I can remember a time when watching news clips of polar bears falling off ice sheets not only made me laugh but think too about maybe turning a couple of lights off. Not anymore. Trouble is, the whole thing is beginning to feel a bit too much of a con now, especially in the UK. It wasn’t too bad when all I was asked to do was take a tiny piece of the collective responsibility but it didn’t take long for the tax man to dive in and insist that I should have to pay to be green. Stinging me every time I get in the car or go on holiday isn’t going to save the planet. What it does do though is make me less inclined to borrow my neighbour’s horse, nip down the shops and buy a cloth sack full of low energy light bulbs. Any good will that may have been has long since evaporated and I’m at the point now where I’m happy to rip down my list of ‘things I should do to reduce my carbon footprint’ and turn the fridge back on. I’ll file it away I think, for future reference under ‘You had me there for a minute’ along with Y2K, WMD and denim flares.

Recycling Jimmy

Just a bit of common sense please

I travel quite a bit and so I was made up to get an Ipod touch for my birthday. Cool piece of kit too, and watching a couple of your favourite shows really helps you wade through the crap that comes with airports in a post 9/11 world. What I didn’t realise though is that an Ipod is a safety risk on a plane. Well, I assume it must be given the fact that I can’t watch it during take off and landing. Anyone know why? The phone thing is bad enough. A phone can’t make a plane crash. If it could, then they simply wouldn’t be allowed in the cabin and we’d have to stash them in the hold with the tubes of exploding toothpaste and cans of anthrax riddle deodorant wouldn’t we? But Ipods? These are even more inert than phones. They don’t do anything other than show pictures. So I asked.

‘In an emergency sir, you need to be aware of what is going on’ the air hostess said dismissively as she scanned aisle checking seat belts.

Er, excuse me love, but I think I’d notice if one of the engines blew up. What does she think will happen when the bloated business man in the window seat starts screaming and clambering over me to get to the emergency exit.

‘Okay mate, give me a minute. I just want to see the end of this.’

Don’t think so.

Quitters to the rescue!

Seems to me that there are an awful lot of pissed off wives around these days. For instance, that woman who tried to kill her husband recently. By the way, I’m not talking about the one that bunged her boyfriend three grand to find a hit man (and when he ran off to get some more tattoos, she went to ask her dad), no I’m talking about a much classier act.
I’m talking about Angela Nellany, who stands accused of trying to kill her husband by leaving a soda can filled with wasps in his car?? The picture you see here is obviously her trying to eat the evidence. But the charges are now disputed as being made up and to be honest, I can see the logic. If she really wanted him dead, it would have been so much easier to give hubby a gun and then get her kit off. I'm sure he'd have used it or been straight on the phone to the Quitters.

Foreward thinking

I know it’s not the usual stuff I post about but I just had to let you know about this because believe me, it’s some achievement. "ForeWord has named Kunati Books the first Independent Publisher of the Year. The new honor was created to celebrate ForeWord's tenth anniversary and to recognize Kunati's innovation and fearlessness.Kunati, a year-old publisher, produces book trailers for every new release, maintains a blog, and encourages its authors to blog and actively participate in marketing their books. The publisher currently has several movie deals in the works, and its roster of authors includes Pulitzer Prize winner John E. Mack."

Cool or what, and if you haven’t seen the trailer to Recycling Jimmy, it’s a good laugh….except for the headshot of me drifting though where I look like an anaemic Dale Winton.

Faceless fags

I smoke. Tried to give up but when I found myself rooting through the bin for a half finished pack I’d crumpled there 3 days before, I realised that it wasn’t happening. Not yet at least, although I’ll maybe have another go in a couple of years time. What I won’t do though is stop buying cigarettes because the manufacturers are forced to remove all the branding from them. How is this supposed to work anyway? Mind you, it will make the whole transaction a little weird.

‘Can I help you sir?’
Yes please, I‘d like to buy some cigarettes.’
‘Certainly sir, any particular kind?’
‘Erm, have you got any of those smoking is bad for your health one’s?’
‘’Fraid not sir, just sold the last packet to that very short man with the false beard and sunglasses. Have you tried the smoking whilst pregnant will damage your baby one’s sir? Very popular with the ladies.’
‘Not sure there’ll be to my taste, bit on the strong side. Just give us twenty smoking not only harms you but others around you. They sound a bit more sociable don’t you think?’

On a semi serious note, I’m a strong believer that your health and your mind are firmly linked. If there is even the slightest truth in this then surely plastering cigarette boxes with explicit descriptions of the illnesses you may contract is not very fair and I’d go as far as to say bordering on negligent.

On a very serious note, next time you’re in the shop kids, don’t buy fags, buy a book instead.